"The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have”

MINDSETOPEDIADMHC BLOGS

When Dylan was in high school, like every other teenager, he was trying to form his identity, define who he was and “find himself”. Due to his over achiever and perfectionist tendencies, he felt competitive in every situation, be it his academics or co-curriculars. Due to this, he projected his competitive intentions on his peers and personalised every word and action directed towards him as an attack. Every time he wasn’t on the top of his class, getting the best grades and being the best football player among his team mates, he spoke harsh words to himself putting his own self down. Since he was troubled on the inside, he was always sensitive around his family and would get irritated or agitated at the smallest things.

Time jump, a few years later…

Dylan underwent therapy stating ‘low self-esteem’ as his main concern. He was able to learn a lot about his patterns, confront them and also gain a perspective on why his relationships with his friends and family were falling apart. The reason was another disturbed relationship is Dylan’s life, the most important one. The one with his own self.

It has been accurately said by the British Psychologist, Robert Heldon, “The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have”.

The way I’d like to put it is “working on your relationship with yourself means simultaneously working on all the other important relationships you have”. Yes, it does take further effort to improve your external relationships but its half work done.

Elements of a healthy relationship

Communication

Communication is undoubtedly the key to healthy relationships. Not just communication but open communication about priorities, expectations, likes & dislikes, etc is essential. One’s relationship with themselves defines how aware they are about their own like & dislikes, their priorities in life, their expectations and how comfortable they will feel communicating the same to others.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries is another crucial part of maintaining long-term healthy relationships. Setting boundaries begins with increasing one’s self-awareness. Let’s bring Dylan back to understand this better. Dylan was going through a lot in his high school phase and had troubled friendships but he failed to spot exactly where the problem lied. He later realised that the challenge he faced here was of not being aware that he is an introvert, he needed his space and could’ve said no to a few plans as an act of self-preservation. This would’ve not only helped him preserve his own energy but avoided him feeling like his friendships were burdensome.

Mutual Respect

It is important to have mutual respect for each other in a relationship, for each other’s time and choices. It is only possible to expect this from another person when one themselves practices having self-respect. People with low self-esteem and self-respect find it difficult to confront others and speak up when they feel uncomfortable. Even Dylan found it difficult to communicate and say “I am feeling uncomfortable” and stop his friends from picking on him out of joke because he felt insecure about losing his friends if he did so.

Conflict Resolution

Having a healthy relationship with oneself means that one is aware about their strengths as well as shortcoming and still feels secure in themselves. Conflict resolution, which plays a vital role for a relationship to last long, involves confrontation, accepting one’s own fault and being able to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. It revolves around a delicate balance of keeping your ego aside but also being fair to yourself as and when required which all comes after one works on the relationship, they have with themselves.

Light-hearted humour

A healthy relationship also calls for maintaining a fun and light atmosphere through humour. This is about making jokes and also being able to take them in a light manner. Even this is possible only once one has worked through their own challenges, is comfortable with themselves and is able to openly communicate if they feel particularly sensitive about a specific topic.

Hence, we can say that maintaining healthy relationships with others starts with working on the most crucial and sacred relationship in one’s life, the one they have with themselves.

We need to realise that we are the only ones who are there with ourselves each moment of our lives. From every morning that we wake up to every night when we fall asleep, from that moment we felt like crying to that moment when we felt proud of ourselves. We are committed to the relationship we have with ourselves for our entire lifetime so why not work on it and make it the most beautiful one?

Being self-aware is not just about knowing your like and dislikes but also your emotional and behavioural patterns. It is about being aware of how when you’re anxious, you tend to displace that on others in the form of anger. Confront such patterns, modify them and actively notice them in

action. Such things prove to fulfil the ‘two birds with one stone’ idea by helping you maintain happy and stable relationships along with internal mental peace.

By, Ms. Arushi Suri

Council Member

WICCI-DMHC